...I felt this bad was after a reason-less ending of a toxic relationship.
It is now because of a almost-30-what-have-I-done-with-my-life-so-far professional rejection.
Same. Panic.
Despite the evidence of beauty in my life, regardless of the nihilistic on-an-universal-level-it-does-not-matter-anyway background thought.
I had started off well. Praised student, promising starter.
Yet I am not a person I admire. My life is dedicated to nothing worthwhile, I doubt my talent and goal. And I see no light. Just disappointment. Almost shame.
Some comfort in the words of David Foster Wallace:
"There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, "Morning, boys, how's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, "What the hell is water?
(...)
The capital-T Truth is about life before death. It is about making it to 30, or maybe 50, without wanting to shoot yourself in the head. It is about simple awareness — awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, that we have to keep reminding ourselves, over and over: "This is water, this is water." "
I am drowning. I am the center of the ocean.
It is now because of a almost-30-what-have-I-done-with-my-life-so-far professional rejection.
Same. Panic.
Despite the evidence of beauty in my life, regardless of the nihilistic on-an-universal-level-it-does-not-matter-anyway background thought.
I had started off well. Praised student, promising starter.
Yet I am not a person I admire. My life is dedicated to nothing worthwhile, I doubt my talent and goal. And I see no light. Just disappointment. Almost shame.
"There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, "Morning, boys, how's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, "What the hell is water?
(...)
The capital-T Truth is about life before death. It is about making it to 30, or maybe 50, without wanting to shoot yourself in the head. It is about simple awareness — awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, that we have to keep reminding ourselves, over and over: "This is water, this is water." "
I am drowning. I am the center of the ocean.
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